Why Chelsea Handler is my hero.

VODKA. This woman shares my same affinity for all things clear liquor and tooling on tools who either deserve or don't deserve it (but typically do). I have never watched her show on E!, "Chelsea Lately", without agreeing with things being said AND laughing my envious hams off. Envious of course, because I just basically want to sit with her and go back and forth with amazing banter about anyone. This woman gets away with blatantly mocking a Mexican midget. True, she does love the pinto bean, but she makes fun of him relentlessly. Her sketches and improv's are delivered like a true golden comedian. Sure, her show isn't live like SNL, but she handles all aspects of comedy, be it roasting, dry, or cynical with such admirable finesse. Some may find it easy to overdose on the weekday nightly show but I can never get enough of her making celebrity guests nervous and uncomfortable. It's hilarious and brilliant....JUST. LIKE. HER.

Sure, more and more people have surfaced who share their blunt, DGAF-style opinions with the world since Eminem verbally cock-punted every activism group in America, but Chelsea makes it impossible for you to hate on her. Her high score on the hater-ater is about as low as Flo-Rida's music video bitches.

She is raunchy, honest and HILARE. All the while, being a TOTAL BABE. I mean look at that n00d. I think she's like, an eight, and I'm almost as shallow as they come. I think the only other chick to have done this properly is Jenny McCarthy. She picks her nose, farts, and has an arsenal of toilet pic's that have willingly been spread over the world wide web as frequently as the legs on those half-brained hoe's that were contestants on "Singled Out" (I really miss that show). I think it's safe to say that we all barely, if at all, remember the dude who was the actual main host of the show because lil' Miss Boobed-Up Blonde was SO MUCH hotter than him (he wasn't hot at all and sported the definition mid-nineties borderline bowl-cut).

These girls are MY KIND. Utterly appalling in the sense of public manners and rock a major lack of shame for bathroom activities. I have no doubt that Chelsea would hide behind a car door in a bar parking lot and drunkenly piss next to me.

The BEST part of all of this is that DUDES STILL FIND BOTH OF THOSE WOMEN SEXY.

Chelsea, I just want to stock our purses full of Grey Goose nips, wear underwear with our dresses JUST so that we can dance like a 16 year-old at a Compton prom, and pick apart everyone around us in such a subliminal, "only witty people will get this" manner...all while having dudes STILL try mercilessly to take us home.