HeatherSkills on Funny Girls

Skechers "Shape Ups" :(

Good thing I already despise Skechers because if I didn't before, I would be CRYING right now. In fact, I hope you all have a box of tissues beside you right now.

There are two things that are HUUUUUGE pet peeves of mine: bad fashion and laziness. Skechers has officially made a product that rapes my peeves HARD. Like not even just a lil molestation...FULL ON post-traumatic stress inducing RAPE-AGE. About a week ago I was watching my standard trashy reality tv or design shows and a commercial came on for these sneakers by Skechers called "Shape Ups". The following is a brief description of my reaction in chronological order:

1. STOOD UP as quickly as possible
2. Said out loud: "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!"
3. Yelled at the woman on the commercial like she could hear me and like she wasn't a paid actor but actually WORE them IRL
4. Turned off my tv and did REAL exercise

America, why are you being so double XL? Look, drive-thru's, TOTES cool with that. Microwaves...SOLID GOLD (even though most food tastes like shit when cooked in it but it's great when you're so hungry that you don't care what the food tastes like). But now we are making/selling/buying sneakers that are "intended" to AVOID working out? WTF. How can people be THIS lazy and THIS naive? Sure, there are a lot of inner complexities to the physiology of the human body, but in the grand scheme of things it's quite simple: EAT HEALTHY AND EXERCISE. There are 24 hours in a day. You DO have time. (The former personal trainer in me is kicking in right about now).

Let's break down the differences between regular sneakers and these sweet kicks:

Regular sneakers = about a 1/2 inch sole
Shape Ups = 2 1/2 inch sole (+ EXTREME FUGLINESS)

So, where are you getting your exercise from? Walking like Forest Gump or a baby lamb? The people who are buying these are the same people who are glued to QVC and infomercials all night. The same people who keep those shmucks who run the "Made For TV" products stores in your local mall. It seems anyone can sell anything these days and make a profit out of dumb America. What's next, edible shoes? Vanishing poop powder? Beds that make us skinnier? Cars that have conversations with us like-a dat one d00d KNIGHT RIDAHHHHH?! Idk man, I'm trying to grip the last tiny thread of faith I have in the common sense of humanity, but I'm not getting much help. Have you guys seen that neck slimmer "exercise machine"?!?! Looks like a training method for something else...

Skechers, come on now, PLEASE get an ENTIRE new design team. Maybe people over the age of six or not enormous lazy bastards who will do ANYTHING to avoid body movement over .05 mph.

HeatherSkills on Boob Size

HeatherSkills and JustJustin COPS edition

Behind-the-scenes at my web launch promo photo shoot

Videography Credit: Justin Hammond www.gusalan.com

Interview with Crash from WBCN

In the great words of Uncle Joey: CUT. IT. OUT.

MORE VAMPIRE MOVIESTHINGSTELEVISIONSHOWSBOOKS?!?!?!?!?! ENOUGH ALREADY PUHLEAAAASE! I AM TYPING IN CAPS BECAUSE MY BRAIN AND HANDS ARE YELLING!!!!!!

www.cwtv.com/shows/the-vampire-diaries

Strip-Cubs

I understand the concept behind publicity, I do. I work in the entertainment biz. But where is the line drawn between pushing your career in the publics face and sticking by your morals in order to be a respectable role model for the age bracket of your fan base?

Honestly, as with most things, I can see both sides of the spectrum. When Miley Cyrus did the cover of Vanity Fair, she was featured in nothing but a silk bed sheet (well, from what WE can see). I see the art in that photo. I think it's a beautiful capture by the highly credited, push-the-boundaries photographer, Annie Leibovitz. She's got that perfect, young, porcelain skin and that was the intended focal point. The way that the public reacted to this was unnecessarily harsh and critical. This girl is more successful than a vast majority of the overly caffeinated, post-menopausal, PTA member parents who tried to boycott Miley's television show, Hannah Montana. Those are the same parents who shelter their private school children to the point where instead of learning about society and the world for EVERYTHING it REALLY is, they're spending 6 hours a day playing "World of Warcraft" and trading "Magic the Gathering" cards. Sure, there are worse things those kids could be doing besides being deprived of vitamin D and melanin, but can you imagine going through life being ignorant to the planet that you breathe on? Side note: I WAS one of those sheltered kids with super strict parents and instead of tending to my Student Council assignments, I was blowing coke off the toilet paper dispensers in the high school bathroom so how's THAT for rebellion? Miley's Vanity Fair shoot was artfully tasteful in my opinion. Sure, she was 15 years old, but I'm pretty sure my mom has pictures of my nekkid buns (some things never change) at less than 1 year old and no one's boycotting my BLOG for THAT!

I really defended Miley. Poor girl used to live in the shadows of a man with THE BEST mullet of all time. But now, after Monday nights Teen Choice Awards show on FOX, I am really disappointed in my previous near picket-worthy defense over lil Miss Disney Queen.

So mini-Cyrus, I have some words for you:

WHY did you have to work the pole, girl?
WHY did you have to show your dumps like a truck truck truck and thighs like what what what?
You have made men all over the world over the age of 20 feel like level 3 sex offenders.
You have given your 53 year old stalker, Mark McLeod, a RAGING boner (if he can even pitch one anymore).

Listen, I am not going to sit here and bash strippers, because although you wouldn't catch me grindin' my purry kitten in the air and on the cold vertical steel no matter how spiked on meth I am (I do not do meth, yuck), I know that everyone gets a little "lost" in life. Thing is, this girl is a minor. She is sixfuckingteen years old. She works for the DISNEY channel. When I think of Disney, I think of animated cutesy films and clean and pure musically-influenced pre-teen obsessions. When you say the word DISNEY, I DO NOT immediately get the urge to go in my sock drawer, grab my blue thunder, and have "private time". This girl has millions of fans and most of them are kids. Kids who, in this day and age, desperately need positive role models and people they can relate to. They need celebrities that instill motivation to achieve their dreams which we can all collectively hope is NOT to become an exotic dancer. Why are we forgetting what sexiness really is? We get it Miley, you're growing up and you're sort've (but not really) attractive. But there can only be ONE Britney Spears.

Another unclean tween culprit is Vanessa Hudgens. Zac Efron needs to get his bitch in check and FAST. This is gross x19836 but if I were doing Mr. Efron, I'd be MORE than satisfied with his eyes being the only ones besides my gyno, to see my b-day sizuit. I feel like "Baby V" is one of those "try-too-hard-ers". She probably posted those n00ds herself. Did you see how bent she got when Dane Cook ripped on her at the Teen Choice Awards (Vanessa's manager forced FOX to edit the whole skit out before the show aired)? Makes me long for constant live television. Listen poster girl for premarital boning, keep your clothes on and shave your hootie please (can't tell me it doesn't get itchy in those skinny jeans).

Who is running Disney these days anyways? Ron Jeremy?

My Life Without Mobile Twitter for 48hrs

http://tech.yahoo.com/blogs/patterson/55202

Call me pathetic. Say what you will. I live a large portion of my life on the internet DUE TO MY JOB, and due to being a total nerd :/

Last Wednesday, a tragedy occurred. Twitter was attacked and it took down TwitterBerry and UberTwitter, and...my alternate life sanity. Pretty much everyone who has a BlackBerry was unable to use twitter from their phones on Wednesday and Thursday. It was actually quite comical to see the amount of stress on people's lives because of this. Gotta hand it to Abkhazia for being EXTREMELY effective in it's defense mechanism. Not big ups for being COMPLETE ASSHOLES to everyone else besides this random Cyxymu blogger who pissed them off royally, apparently.

The following are things I would like to say to these thoughtless douchenuggets:

1. FUCK YOU

That's honestly it. That's all I've got.

I felt much less funny for those two days. Well, I should say that my humor was highly suppressed and I couldn't share with the world how my bowel movements were going, or that the people at the gym STILL smelled like a large collection of formaldehyde-filled toxicology patients, orrrr RT all of the amazing things the people I follow say that make me laugh when I need it most. Before twitter, we had myspace (RIP) and facebook and we ALL know how pissed some of our "friends" get when we post several meaningless bulletins or post a milli a milli a milli (Lil Wayne) status updates. But I have SO much to say at all times. My brain is like a race track of bizarre thoughts and words. And people seem to dig it (for some odd reason).

Once twitter was successfully repaired, I made sure to give myself a little pep talk about how I cannot over-tweet in overzealousment (<--nope, not a word). I think I did alright. But at almost 1500 updates, perhaps no one would have noticed a change in pattern :/

Oh well.

Eyy guy! Jersey shore guy!

Place: Commonwealth Ave. Allston, MA

HeatherSkills on Mariah Carey-Cannon

HeatherSkills Lonely Drive Home From Worcester

People who aren't really real-life people.

Remember back in the 90's when parent's blamed Marilyn Manson for the Columbine murders? Obviously, that was total bull shit. Marilyn Manson has never killed a human being in his life; not that I know of at least.

Now that this Twilight and True Blood craze are running the country, people are turning into total freaks. People get SO into this shit that they get defensive when people have a single negative thing to say about it, even though they had nothing to do with the writing or production of either. Reading and entertainment is a great escape from the days stresses but some people are losing their effing minds. They convince themselves that they are a part of the movies/books. They become L.A.R.P.E.R.S (live action role players). The same goes for Harry Potter fanatics. They dress up like the characters and go to massive conventions and quite frankly all of this scares the shit out of me.

There used to be these two kids who lived in my town and one of them worked at the Cumberland Farms down the street from my house. His friend used to come and visit him at work on his bicycle and they used to have legit light saber AND sword fights in the parking lot. They also both had hair longer than mine. I haven't seen them at all this summer, so I'm assuming they achieved their dreams and magically morphed into comic book characters. Cool.

I often wonder what it would be like to live a life THAT innocent and sheltered. Is it better to be unaware of the world's issues? What is it like to not give a solid shit about what the judgments being cast on you? There is NO WAY those two Larp-heads look in the mirror before they leave the house. I sincerely would live a day in their shoes JUST to know what it's like.

Those are the innocent, mind-their-own-bizarre-business types. What irks the normal out of me are the people who take it THIS far: http://www1.whdh.com/news/articles/local/BO120775/

WHAT THE FUGGGG is wrong with you dude?!?!! Besides, EVERYTHING?! This guy did that in 1980, so we can't blame the media on this one either. Homeboy must have gotten his hands on the prime PCP that night, or maybe he's an extra-large mosquito with very human-like physical attributes. Either way, what the fuck.

My point is that although these "phenomena's" like Twilight and Harry Potter can certainly make for pitiful lifestyle choices and shockingly painful wardrobe makeovers, these people are innocent. I have never read or watched any Twilight or Harry Potter, and I never will. It's just not my thing. But do as you will wizard worshipers; you are harmless. Just do me ONE favor and TRY to avoid the Halloween Outlet as your favorite year-round apparel store.

Pro's and Con's of Being Short

Skype with Jimmy Mercer

HeatherSkills on First Dates

Pit Sweat

I don't know exactly why, but other than the obvious pathetic tool-bag traits that are the common denominator of dudes who wear Ed Hardy, all I can picture when I think of guys wearing these shirts is pit sweat. I am convinced that EVERY guy who wears Ed Hardy or Affliction HAS to be excessively sweaty in any temperature condition and sport severe pit stains. Mayyybe it's the steroids. I don't really know. It would take a lifetime supply of Old Spice to convince me that I'm wrong. Oh and these dudes ALL wear Axe Deodorant spray. Trust me on this.

Thanks Christian unoriginal Audigier for installing douchebag chips into males who frequent the night life and for making them think they can beat up every guy and stick every chick.

Why Chelsea Handler is my hero.

VODKA. This woman shares my same affinity for all things clear liquor and tooling on tools who either deserve or don't deserve it (but typically do). I have never watched her show on E!, "Chelsea Lately", without agreeing with things being said AND laughing my envious hams off. Envious of course, because I just basically want to sit with her and go back and forth with amazing banter about anyone. This woman gets away with blatantly mocking a Mexican midget. True, she does love the pinto bean, but she makes fun of him relentlessly. Her sketches and improv's are delivered like a true golden comedian. Sure, her show isn't live like SNL, but she handles all aspects of comedy, be it roasting, dry, or cynical with such admirable finesse. Some may find it easy to overdose on the weekday nightly show but I can never get enough of her making celebrity guests nervous and uncomfortable. It's hilarious and brilliant....JUST. LIKE. HER.

Sure, more and more people have surfaced who share their blunt, DGAF-style opinions with the world since Eminem verbally cock-punted every activism group in America, but Chelsea makes it impossible for you to hate on her. Her high score on the hater-ater is about as low as Flo-Rida's music video bitches.

She is raunchy, honest and HILARE. All the while, being a TOTAL BABE. I mean look at that n00d. I think she's like, an eight, and I'm almost as shallow as they come. I think the only other chick to have done this properly is Jenny McCarthy. She picks her nose, farts, and has an arsenal of toilet pic's that have willingly been spread over the world wide web as frequently as the legs on those half-brained hoe's that were contestants on "Singled Out" (I really miss that show). I think it's safe to say that we all barely, if at all, remember the dude who was the actual main host of the show because lil' Miss Boobed-Up Blonde was SO MUCH hotter than him (he wasn't hot at all and sported the definition mid-nineties borderline bowl-cut).

These girls are MY KIND. Utterly appalling in the sense of public manners and rock a major lack of shame for bathroom activities. I have no doubt that Chelsea would hide behind a car door in a bar parking lot and drunkenly piss next to me.

The BEST part of all of this is that DUDES STILL FIND BOTH OF THOSE WOMEN SEXY.

Chelsea, I just want to stock our purses full of Grey Goose nips, wear underwear with our dresses JUST so that we can dance like a 16 year-old at a Compton prom, and pick apart everyone around us in such a subliminal, "only witty people will get this" manner...all while having dudes STILL try mercilessly to take us home.