No Offense

Good thing I already despise Skechers because if I didn't before, I would be CRYING right now. In fact, I hope you all have a box of tissues beside you right now.

There are two things that are HUUUUUGE pet peeves of mine: bad fashion and laziness. Skechers has officially made a product that rapes my peeves HARD. Like not even just a lil molestation...FULL ON post-traumatic stress inducing RAPE-AGE. About a week ago I was watching my standard trashy reality tv or design shows and a commercial came on for these sneakers by Skechers called "Shape Ups". The following is a brief description of my reaction in chronological order:

1. STOOD UP as quickly as possible
2. Said out loud: "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!"
3. Yelled at the woman on the commercial like she could hear me and like she wasn't a paid actor but actually WORE them IRL
4. Turned off my tv and did REAL exercise

America, why are you being so double XL? Look, drive-thru's, TOTES cool with that. Microwaves...SOLID GOLD (even though most food tastes like shit when cooked in it but it's great when you're so hungry that you don't care what the food tastes like). But now we are making/selling/buying sneakers that are "intended" to AVOID working out? WTF. How can people be THIS lazy and THIS naive? Sure, there are a lot of inner complexities to the physiology of the human body, but in the grand scheme of things it's quite simple: EAT HEALTHY AND EXERCISE. There are 24 hours in a day. You DO have time. (The former personal trainer in me is kicking in right about now).

Let's break down the differences between regular sneakers and these sweet kicks:

Regular sneakers = about a 1/2 inch sole
Shape Ups = 2 1/2 inch sole (+ EXTREME FUGLINESS)

So, where are you getting your exercise from? Walking like Forest Gump or a baby lamb? The people who are buying these are the same people who are glued to QVC and infomercials all night. The same people who keep those shmucks who run the "Made For TV" products stores in your local mall. It seems anyone can sell anything these days and make a profit out of dumb America. What's next, edible shoes? Vanishing poop powder? Beds that make us skinnier? Cars that have conversations with us like-a dat one d00d KNIGHT RIDAHHHHH?! Idk man, I'm trying to grip the last tiny thread of faith I have in the common sense of humanity, but I'm not getting much help. Have you guys seen that neck slimmer "exercise machine"?!?! Looks like a training method for something else...

Skechers, come on now, PLEASE get an ENTIRE new design team. Maybe people over the age of six or not enormous lazy bastards who will do ANYTHING to avoid body movement over .05 mph.